Anglican Strip Club

SEX AND DEATH, PT. 3

So I’ve been following this story where the Anglican Church is pissed off that a strip club called Players Sports Bar has set up shop next door to the Anglican Cathedral.  

While you’re thinking about that, let’s digress for a moment.

You look up the word juxtaposition in the dictionary—anyone remember dictionaries?—stay with me here… you look up juxtaposition in a dictionary, and there’s a picture of a church and beside it, a sign with a pair of breasts. 

So that’s what happened right here in town. The church has the position and the strip club, the juxta. Sorry. 

Here’s the thing:  

The strip joint was set up in a building the Anglican Church itself leased—for ten years—to the owner of the club, a guy called Colin John Latham. 

Another digression. I should tell you I always use someone’s full name when there’s the prospect of a court case looming.  

It’s the same thing when your mother called you all of the names she put on your birth certificate...  She’d kind of drag it out for about two minutes, clearly enunciating every one of your names, and you knew—you knew!—you were in deep shit.

Anyway, Colin John Latham has a lease on a piece of church property right at the back door of the Anglican cathedral, the most potent symbol of the most powerful church in the land. 

And yes, I did say back door.

So you ask—well, I ask—what the hell was the church thinking when they leased this bit of real estate to the aforementioned Mr. Latham?  

Did they ask any questions about the kind of business Mr. Latham had in mind when he filled out the Anglican Church’s standard application?

Here we go.  Mr. Latham?  This is Bishop Tutu, here, from the Anglican Church.  

Yes, we’ve got your application.  Looks good…

How would you describe your business in a broad sense?

Oh, it’s a community service that you’re providing.  Excellent. I’m writing this down, Mr. Latham.  Words like these are like manna from heaven.

And you’ve said here: Some of the girls coming in are so poor they can’t even afford to be fully clothed.  Is that right?

Oh, tut tut, Mr. Latham. You’re helping them get on their feet, as it were.  Giving them a leg up. Excellent, excellent. Honourable sentiments.

Do I understand there are poles in this club, Mr Latham? 

Oh, you like to think of them more as a staff, as noted in the good book itself… Oh, well done Mr. Latham

You feel that you’re bringing people closer? This is a valuable, I might say important public service. Mr. Latham. The church thanks you, I thank you. 

And you’ll be paying your rent in cash? Yes, here at the Anglican church we accept all denominations, preferably tens and twenties. Yes, yes, it’s an old joke.    

Look, I think everything is fine with the application, Mr. Latham.  We’ll send you the approval in a day or two.

I have to leave you now.  I’m looking at an application for using the Cathedral itself from a Mr. Lucifer. Lou for short.  Yes, he’s a collector of sorts, if I’m reading this application right. 

And so are you, how very droll Mr. Latham. Thank you. And speak to you soon. 

And you wonder what vetting process the Anglican Church and the Catholic Church and all the rest did before allowing priests to get up close and personal with needy and vulnerable populations of the world.

Colin John Latham is not the bad guy here.