One Foot in the Grave

Warning: NSFW.
I don’t know whether you caught this, but it is now illegal in the great state of California to have sex with dead people. 

I know, I know, this raises a whole bunch of questions, doesn’t it. 

First: where the hell was that rule during my last relationship?

How is Keith Richards ever gonna get laid?

And most important: who the hell was complaining?

I mean, it’s just cuddling with corpses, dicking the dead. 

Okay… You can’t call it dicking the dead.  

It’s technically necrophilia, a Latin term that means something is both hot and cold at the same time. 

But really, where’s the damage?

Some people get one foot in the grave, others get 8 inches.  

Right?

You say people are turning over in their graves.  I say maybe they’re just trying a new position.

Is that rigor mortis—more Latin —or are you just pleased to see me?

Oh, that’s too close to the bone for some of you? 

I say: Where’s the damage?

What’s wrong with putting the feel-ya back into necrophilia? 

You’re familiar with the expression Jump Your Bones? Right?

Why can’t that be taken literally?

Where’s the damage?

I want you to think about the advantages. 

As George Carlin pointed out, when you’re a necrophiliac, you don’t need to bring flowers.  

They’re already there.

And once things get going, you really don’t have to have a conversation.  

Hey! Would you rather have the cold shoulder?

And don’t forget what your mum always told you:  it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

Necrophilia will certainly  expand your vocabulary, especially if your favourite movie is Die Hard.

You’ll never listen to Coldplay the same way. Or the Grateful Dead. That’s a joke for the really old people in the audience.

Oh, you say you’re not a necrophiliac. But you are dying to try it.

And think of the possibilities. 

When she says: Over my dead body… you start to think. Hmmm. That might just work. 

Getting stiffed is gonna mean something else.

So does the expression, opening a cold one.

And hey, necrophilia introduces some great new jokes, just for you:

How do you know you’re a necrophiliac? 

If you start saying things like I like my food like I like my women: room temperature.

What’s the difference between necrophiliac and someone with a nanna fetish? Couple of weeks, tops.

I worry about necrophiliac morticians, coming into work all the time.

Yeah, those guys are a dead giveaway.

Here’s a question, though, where is this necrophilia that they banned in California   Where was it happening? Graveyards, morgues, medical schools?  

I’m guessing funeral homes.  I mean, it’s quiet most of the time. Not many people around. Nice quality music systems for a bit of mood-setting.  

And they’re used to undressing people, doing their hair, the makeup.

A little lipstick. Some rouge. Nice wig… 

Something off the shoulder, you know….

You could see how this might happen. She is starting to look real good there on the slab.

Next thing you know, it’s…  I got your embalming fluid right here,  baby …
I call this thing the resurrection.