Brazilian

Tonight on the program we are going to talk about hair, and specifically how to get the male pubic region to look as baby soft and pinky naked as the top of my head.

Yes, it’s time to talk about Brazilians. Not for women, for men. 

They tell me that waxing for men is the next big thing.  But we men are sure gonna have a problem if we go around asking for a bikini wax or a Brazilian or a Boyzilian.

I mean it’s just too metro, isn’t it?  

What we need is something that says Man!  Something that says check out my package!  Look at the size of this tree now that I’ve cleared the foliage away from the base of the trunk!

Back to the task at hand.  Who is the person that’s going to get rid of that foliage for you, take care of the short and curlies? You can’t call Jim’s Mowing, can you?  

No, the right person is called an aesthetician, and you need to remember that. It’s a fancy Greek word meaning this is gonna cost you a shit-ton. 

You don’t need to know his name, because you’re not going to be asking for his number.  At this stage, you don’t know even whether this guy prefers innies or outies, so you don’t even know whether to lie butt up or butt down. 

What you do know is he’s looking at your stuff.  These are the interesting bits as my wife used to call them. She still does, if you’re interested. 

And what you’re thinking is this guy is looking at parts of you that you personally have never seen.

Oh yeah, you could see this stuff if you were a trapeze artist in a well-lit room, and you’d managed to arrange a series of mirrors at various angles around your naked body as you dangle from the ceiling on bungey cords.

Yeah, you could see this stuff. 

Even then, you’re not getting as good a look at your bits as this guy, Mr. aesthetician is getting of your naked flesh right now. 

This is the very definition of up close and personal.

Let’s take a moment to pause in this defoliation, to figure out that really important question. 

Why? Why would a man do this himself??  

Is it the porn you’ve been watching?  That could be me, there, in that movie, with that 18-year-old balanced on my balls, if only I just got rid of this ugly thatch.

Is it because David Beckham gets himself shaved hairless.  You want to bend it like Beckham?

In fact, there’ve actually been surveys on this question of why men get waxed. Know what we say in these surveys?

We say: We’ll do it for a special occasion. 

I don’t know what special occasion means to you, but I can tell you what’s a special occasion for me.  

It’s when I lie naked in front of another man, a complete stranger.  That’s special, right there.

To make it even more of an occasion, this guy then applies super-hot wax with a wooden spatula to my furry bits, my balls, to bits of me I have never seen. 

Oh yeah and just to ensure that he and I are really bonding, he then rips the wax off strip by strip. That’s extra crispy and extra special, right there.

I want to pause just for a moment, again, so you can remember the last time you got a single pubic hair caught in your zip.  

This is hair you have been growing luxuriously and deep rooted since you were eleven years old.

It is now being torn, follicle by throbbing follicle from the most sensitive part of your body by a complete stranger, 

This, in all possible meanings of the phrase, is a special occasion. 

So at those times when my wife says to me:  Well this is a special occasion.

I say:  No, it’s not. I know what a special occasion is.  

I’ve been there. I got naked in front of another man. 

He saw bits of me my mother never saw.  

I’ve endured more pain in minutes than I have felt in my entire life

And I cried in front of a complete stranger.

Now that is a special occasion.

So let’s get back to the reason we do this thing to ourselves. 

Let’s stop zigzagging across the line between pain and pleasure, just for a moment. 

I know some of you are going: there’s a line between pain and pleasure?

Really?

You know why we like going hairless.  It’s because it makes us men look real big.

We like that. And it’s important that we like it—really, really like it—my little ape descendant friends, because in six weeks’ time  we need to go back to Mr Aesthetician and have it done all over again. 

Oh, and six weeks after that.  And six weeks… 

Know what, guys? You’re on your own.