CARS LOVED AND UNLOVED. AND WHY.

Austin 1800: Actually my dad’s car, borrowed once to haul a trailer. When the long load on that trailer shifted backwards, it lifted the ball of the trailer and the rear wheels of the Austin with it. (Think of a seesaw in motion but at 70 kays.) I was too busy tightening my sphincter to consider what an odd inverted-V we formed on that highway.  

Austin Healey Sprite: This tiny sweetheart had a fold-down top, a feature so exciting it required every bit of bandwidth my 20-yo brain could muster. But an early sex lesson: It is not possible to traverse the transmission hump, no matter how damn fine the girl looks on the far side.

Cadillac CTS: This is the one that brought Cadillac back from the dead. Mine-for-a-moment was supercharged and even warming the tires was an adrenalin rush. 100 mph by the time we hit the top of the on-ramp. Sorry not sorry.

Chevrolet Silverado truck: 6-seater cab, 5.4 liter V8 and a full 4x8 bed that moved an entire household. It was so long, the chassis set up a kind of rhythmic lollop as it went down the highway. Damn I miss that truck.

Ford Bronco ll: Bought new and driven across Rockies, eventually the one-two punch of a sudden rain and a freeway K-rail reshaped the entire left side and left the driver badly shaken. It became the classic trade-in: bashed to fit and painted to match. 

Ford Fair-something: Another lesson. Don’t buy the loaner car from your mechanic, even if you like the guy. It’s been driven at speed in reverse across the Nullabor, then the tank topped up by garden hose. After that, the shit was kicked out of it.

Ford Fair-something (2) A handsome wagon, far more recent than the above model, and served us well. But thirsty! Holy hell! This car needed a drink between drinks.

Ford Taurus wagon: This was a complete dog, even with consular plates. They may be diplomats but they’ll screw you like anybody else trying to flog a vehicle.

Honda Accord: The best of the Japanese stuff, and one we’d still be driving it if my wife looked at the warning lights on the dashboard occasionally. It’s true: she actually burned out the bulb in the ‘low fuel’ light. 

Jaguar E-Type: (1967, S1) Bought in a California thrift store – a charity shop with car section – for $5500. Loved it and still writing about it. My wife called it the ‘blonde in the driveway.’ I just called it ‘mine.’

Jaguar XKE (1964 S1) - watch this space

Jaguar XKR. (above) Got to play in one of these 5-litre supercharged beasts on a racetrack. A tip: five laps is not enough to get fully familiar with car or track, so get ten laps and find where the edges (esp. yours) really are. 

Karmann Ghia: a Volkswagen, really, but low slung and belonging to my mother. My brother and I needed to ‘borrow’ this car so often we installed a permanent hot wire from the battery. Saves looking for a key. Or asking for permission. 

Kia Carnival: Yes, it’s got seven seats, and along with the rest of the car, it’s made by circus clowns in Korea. It managed a whole 170 thousand kays on no fewer than three brand new engines before I finally gave up.

Land Rover SWB. A great bush-basher, equipped with a mechanical accelerator and doubtful brakes. But what are those half-inch steel bumpers for, anyway?

Mazda 929 wagon: A lesson in how Japanese cars are brilliantly planned and executed. This one moved a little family and two Dobermans halfway across the country. Gone now but never forgotten.

Mercedes 300TD: Oh, the turbo-diesel is a gem. A $2400 car that brought a $2800 insurance payout after a smash. The car was mostly unhurt, so for more insurance cash we considered going out and picking fights with other cars.

Mercedes 300 SEL: Elegant S series sedan with so much space in back that small kicky legs cannot reach the rear of the driver’s seat. Such a joy! But hold your breath until all the engine-check lights go out after ignition, ‘cos that’s $600 per flicker. No, $700.

Mini: Yellow like Woodstock in Charlie Brown and my first new car. So loved I sang happy birthday to it at 1,000 miles on the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

Mitsubishi Magna: Utterly forgettable. Might have been white. 

Nissan EXA Turbo: Miniscule weight + 1500 cc + a screaming turbo = serious fun. I actually approached this thing, the first time, with some trepidation. That lasted, oh, almost into the minutes.

Subaru Forester: A recent addition to the fleet, and I’m regretting being so late to the AWD party. The Subie always feels solid, sure, manoeuvrable. Sorry to sound like an ad, but this little white wagon runs and runs and runs, even after 300,000 kays. Two more Subies now decorate the drive. 

Toyota Landcruiser truck: Teaching-a-16-year-old-to-drive-proof. And that 4.5 liter six engine easily hauls a tonne and its own weight. Love it to death, although I admit it’s overkill to use a two tonne go-anywhere vehicle to charge a 172 gram phone. Just sayin’ 

Triumph Herald: When you need an oil change, employ someone who knows what they’re doing. Hint: It isn’t you. Don’t take the roof off (even though it’s doable), because the entire car will bend at the doors. And then there’s that weird sideways leaf spring between the back wheels…

Volvo 240: The red beast cost all of a grand, but rendered pretty much the same sum at departure. Inside, number one child learned to drive manual and the basics of how to look after a car. There’s always space in my driveway for one of these.   

Volvo 960 Wagon: Leather seats, electric everything and a brilliant alloy 3-liter six that made Los Angeles freeways bearable, even fun. It can join the 240 in the driveway any time.