Crocodile

In Australia, our great villains are rarely other humans. They tend to be a lot bigger than us, and much better adapted to certain environments. 
This is the best story, and inevitably involves a man. And a crocodile.

Here’s the local television news version of events.

A 40-year-old man has died after being taken by a crocodile in the Daley River community in the Northern Territory. 

You gotta love that for a start, that little euphemism. He was taken by a crocodile. Taken. Like he was a library book, borrowed and not put back. 

The news continues. Police have confirmed the man’s identity from his shorts. 

We’re left to surmise that he wasn’t in the shorts at the time of this formal  identification.

So here’s our first problem. Remember what your mother said. When you borrow something, make sure you take it back in the same condition.  

But now he is without his shorts. I think somebody’s mother is going to be really upset about this, aren’t they?  

I love these stories, specially if you can kind of get ahead of the news reader.  You’ve already got a pretty good idea what’s happened. I’m not sure we need the TV news any longer.

Some peanut decided at about two a.m. -- that’s two a.m. -- to go for a leisurely swim across the wide, dark and crocodile infested Daley River.  That’s really the story, isn’t it. 

Why did he cross the river?  Here again, we’re in the realm of speculation. I’m guessing to get to the other side. I don’t believe there was a chicken involved.  

I do believe there might have been some booze involved. And that it was on the other side of the Daley River.  And that pretty much was the entire thought process: I’m here. The booze is there. I need to get… over there. 

What do we know about crocodiles? They are an ancient species with armored hide, lots of very big teeth and a really, really bad attitude. That’s why you do not see a whole lot of crocodiles, on leashes, being taken on a walk down to the supermarket to pick up a loaf of white and some milk.  

Humans, on the other hand, are soft-skinned and flesh-filled. We have no armour, claws or horns, no fangs or tusks. No poisonous spikes or spurs. No camouflage, no ability to hide.  

And water is not the human’s natural element. So in, say, a swimming race, we swim much slower than, say, a crocodile. 

I’m pointing this out, because I think these are clues as to what might have happened to this man.  Because I know you’d really like me to solve this mystery for you. 

On this occasion, the human was only armed with a pair of shorts.  Blue ones.  

I should change the tense there.  He had been only armed with a pair of shorts.  They are now in the possession of the police. 

So think of this now from the crocodile’s perspective. Swimming towards him is a highly nutritious, low risk, protein package. 

It’s freshly washed.  And it’s been specially pre-marinaded in alcohol.  

For a crocodile, this is the perfect take away meal.  And take him away, he did. 

Let’s go back to the TV news for a moment. At this point, they did not give this man a name. But I think sufficient time has passed that we should put a name to him, don’t you? 

His friends called him Shorty, but that might have been one of those names adopted after the event.

I think on this occasion, the crocodile should have the last word, really. I mean, the crocodile gets naming rights.

He called him “Breakfast.”