Foreskins into Follicles

Great news this past week for bald men. Listen carefully: scientists have figured out how to take the freshly harvested foreskins of circumcised boys and grow hair on them before implanting them on guys like me.  

Absolutely true. I read it…… somewhere. Look it up, people. 

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking.  Bald men are so desperate for hair, they will buy into any new, miracle, scientific, breakthrough cure.

We hear any of those words, and it’s where do we sign up? Where to you want me to send the money and how much?

Nah… that’s nothing! A pittance. You want it in unmarked, non-sequential banknotes? Nigerian currency? Can do! How soon can you get your miracle scientific breakthrough, only available through this exclusive late night TV offer, to me? Excellent. I had nothing to do for the next two years anyway.

We of the naked pate will buy any old stuff in a bottle if we think it’ll bring back those follicles. Goose shit, rubbing an onion into our scalps, anything at all. Melt down the seats of women’s bicycles and inject it directly into this desertscape up there if we thought it would bring back the hair on our heads.  

I should say: Not me. I am absolutely gorgeous without hair on my head … but some men…

But baby foreskins? Holy goose shit! 

Who the hell came up with this idea? Well, it was a man, right? No woman would come up with something as stupid as this. It had to be a guy. 

And a scientist, too. It was a male and a scientist. You have to ask: In what circumstance was this guy standing around, in his white labcoat, happened to come across a baby’s foreskin and immediately thought: That’s it! That’s the answer to baldness. All this time it’s been staring me in the face.

What happened here people? Did he put his hand accidently into the tray of fresh baby foreskins, because every scientific lab has one of those, and then… accidentally… raised that same hand to his forehead where it stuck, right there on his naked scalp.

Did I mention he’s bald?  I mean, what are the chances?  And what then, he left it on his head for a while, like a couple of weeks, and it started to grow hair right there on his bald pate?  

I think you’re right when you say: Mike, I think this new baldness cure lacks what you’d call scientific rigor.  There are some serious questions for those of us considering this radical treatment.

Not me. I’m not worried about being bald. 

Alright, let’s just say it’s me, and my bald head, getting the treatment.  Here’s some things I’d want to be thinking about. 

For instance: considering how much time little boys spend playing with themselves… Now I’ve now got this thing up here, on my head. What if there’s a sudden need to reach up and touch the top of my head, and often? In public? 

More, am I going to have trouble keeping hands off my head? Hair-washing is an obvious entry to this kind of activity. In the shower, is it now Rinse, Repeat. Rinse Repeat, Rinse Repeat.

Another question: Now that I’ve got this wonderful new crop of hair, I’m going to be running my fingers through it at every opportunity. And every time I do, the hair suddenly stands straight up in the air, erect?  

A little follicular stimulation and now I’ve got myself a Mohawk.

Or equally concerning. On those cold winter mornings, the entire top of my head is going to shrink, crease up. I’m going to look like a Klingon.

Something else: Aesthetics. 

What is my head going to look like if I’ve got all this grey stuff growing around the sides, and the top, up here, is now this forest of thick, dark and curly hair?

These are reasonable questions, people.  What is that up there, Mike, a bad wig? Is that a hat? Are you wearing that for a bet? What the hell is going on up there on your head?

Here’s a thought. Maybe the way to deal with hair colour problem it is to harvest the foreskins when the babies are a little older.  Like maybe when they’re 50 or so. Good chance there’ll be some grey in there, at least. But I’m not a scientist. 

Otherwise, my head is going to get a whole lot of attention. Dark down the centre, this light stuff down the side. It’s some kind of weird piano keyboard. Maybe my head will even have its own Facebook page, send pictures of itself to other heads that don’t have enough to do.    

And that’s a question, isn’t it? How many of these baby foreskins is it going take to refurbish a bald head? With mine, there’s some serious real estate up there. Like the Simpson Desert. 

But then, more space, the commercial possibilities are even greater. Higher volumes, higher profits. 

So you know that if this takes off, the industry will need a name. My idea is they call it Foreskins to Follicles. Like the male scientist who first saw an opportunity here, I think it will stick.  

And look, I’m happy to create another new industry, where I can be responsible for employing hundreds of underage children whose job it is to create things simply to satisfy my vanity. It’s the middle class dream.

Of course, you know what’s going to happen. Thirty seconds in and we’re going to be offshoring our supply chains. No, Mike, Australian foreskins are just too damned expensive. We’re getting ours in Bangladesh now. They come with a little tan, too. 

We’re just trying to figure out how to make the hair come out a little grey.