Oh Sh#t It's Monday

Good evening, thank you for coming to the first night of Oh Shit It’s Monday.

I know what you’re thinking. Mondays are shit, and this is not the first shit Monday.  But tonight, we’ve come out and admitted it, and admitting it is the first step towards recovery and a better you. 

The second step is towards the bar over there and a very large drink. 

We’re going to be here every month with a lineup of great comedy performances.

The fresh, the new, the different, and in the interests of inclusivity, we have included some really old jokes. Inclusivity is a bitch, isn’t it.

My name is mike kerr. It’s a scottish name and if you want to pronounce it correctly, it’s kare. Kare.  That’s a sound only achieved by rolling your tongue around your r’s.

For those of you able to roll your tongue around your rs, or anybody else’s for that matter, we will hold auditions after the show. 

It is genuinely good to be here tonight.  I don’t think i’ve ever seen such a crowd. 

Or as the police would describe it: so many persons of interest.

And I want to thank you for coming tonight, especially those of you keen to get my insightful advice on relationships.  

How to find the right person, how to keep that person and love and nurture that person and how to make sure you do well from the divorce.

How is it I can stand here and give you advice on your relationship.  A good question.  

Because as of this week,  I am celebrating 40 years of marriage.

Of course that’s four wives, but it adds up, right.  

I’ll be honest. For the longest time, the moment I turned out of my driveway, I considered myself a single man. 

So let‘s talk about dating. 

First rule is this…. You want to get into someone’s pants, first you’ve got to be able to get into your own.  So lose some weight you fat bastard.

Here’s a tip. If women like you, they will feed you, a p0tato chip here, and potato cake there. You, stupid male, will think, i will never have to feed myself again. This is good.

No it’s not. You idiot. She’s doing it not because she cares about you, she likes looking after you. She’s doing it so no one else will you fat bastard. It’s not because she loves you…. She’s making damn sure no one else will want to love you. 

How the hell do you think I got to 120 kilos?

I’ve had a good run. The starter marriage, the rebound marriage, the seemed like a good idea at the time marriage.  

But now I have the let’s get it over with also known as the perfect marriage. 

Many of you want to know the secret of my success. What, you ask, are the rules of engagement in a relationship.

The first rule is preparation. Know something really important about that sweet girl you’ve been dating. 

It’s this. Take a good long hard look at her mother, but three weeks, after you move in together, that’s what she’s going to look like.

Number two.  I hope you’re taking notes gentlemen.  Number two, communication.  Very very important in a relationship. 

It starts with sweet little notes, cards on birthdays and anniversaries. A text, something written on the mirror or even the dust on her car door. So sweet, right?

But soon after you’ve begun cohabiting, the form of communication changes. Now when you write her a note, it’s on a large piece of cardboard, like a hitchhiker’s sign on the side of the highway.

You can’t miss it.  Mine reads: will work, around the house, for sex.  I pick a high traffic area, somewhere around the house she has to walk past a couple of times a day.

Number three.  Honesty.  Also really important.  When she says, as she will, does my ass look fat in this?  

Stand tall gentleman, and speak the truth. That’s right.  Then you run, run like hell, because running gives you something to do with the last seven seconds of your life. 

Number four, admit she’s a tiny tiny bit larger than when you first started dating, and expect it to come back at you by the truckload.

She’s put on a bit of weight, but you are fat.  She’s got some shit to complain about this woman.  Your beer intake, your beer gut, your back hair your nose hair, your flatulence. Your mother!

Stand tall gentlemen. Take it like a man.  You are a furry, fat, farty mummy’s boy.  

Rule number five, I think.  We’ve talked about dating, living together, time to move on to marriage. 

Rule number 5.  Men and women view weddings differently. 

Women love to get married.  They love the ceremony, the flowers, the dresses, the girlfriends,  the gifts and the giggling. 

There are mothers, the bridesmaids, the honeymoon, the preparations, the travel plans, the venue, the reception, the catering, the cars… 

Men, we don’t need a ceremony, we don’t need any of this.   We need legal advice…. You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you do say will be held against you.

Rule number 6.  Always, always, get married as early as possible in the day.

So that way, if it doesn’t work out, you can still catch the first quarter of the football.  

I know, I know. You’re saying I’m pretty insensitive about this.  But look,  if you’re really broken up, then watch the footie at home.

You should be able to score some beer from the reception – after all it was your wedding too.

But if you’re okay and ready to go out and meet somebody new, you won’t have missed happy hour at the pub. 

See why it’s important to start early. 

Rule number 7. 

Let’s assume that the wedding is fine, you’re now married.  Here’s the first words you’ll hear from her. Mum’s coming for the holidays.  

It’s not I’ve got to get out of these clothes. Which would be promising. 

It’s not let’s ditch these guests. Also promising. 

It’s not let’s get down and get dirty. Very definitely promising. 

But no. What she says is: mum’s coming for the holidays.

And what that means is the old bat will arrive at New Years and stay until Christmas. 

She’s coming for all the holidays.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Number 8

You’re going to have different ideas of what your living arrangements should look like. 

When we men furnish our flat or apartment, house.  We ensure we’ve got a couch, bed, tv, and a box to put the beer on.

Want to get fancy, a couple of concrete blocks and a plank of wood make a great shelf to put the tv on. 

Women don’t just want furniture, but they want to accessorise.  They want stuff likes cushions, curtains that open and close, plates that match. 

If a guy actually cares about his furniture, he paints those concrete blocks. If someone maybe gives him a table, he actually moves up the evolutionary ladder. 

Rule number 9.  

Sex is different when you get past the glow of youth.  

Certainly, the threesome your wife promised has never materialized, unless you include that morning you woke up to find rover’s warm nose in your crotch.

Damn dog’s been sleeping on the bed ever since.

And now you need alcohol to get you in the mood, perfume for ambiance,  coffee to keep you awake.

You need viagra to keep it up.  There’s the mint-flavored lubricant, orange-scented massage oil, and lemon-touch candles.  

Bring along those old friends, deep heat and anusol.  Make sure you’ve got your reading glasses, as well, because you don’t want to get those two mixed up. Not again.  

Don’t forget the berrocca and water.   

Okay, so now you’re ready.  Ready? Ready for a good six hours of uninterrupted sleep.  And when you wake up, your wife’s buggered off shopping and there’s the fucking dog again.

And beyond the physical side, is your mind up to the task?  Will your memory let you down?  

I’ve been there.  You walk into the room, pause in the doorway.  Let’s see … you’ve got the whipped cream in one hand and the handcuffs in the other.  Wife’s naked on the bed. What did i come into the room for?

I personally am not worried about reaching the so-called male menopause. 

I don’t need to look for penis substitutes to boost my failing masculinity.  I don’t need a sportscar to represent a big penis.  I don't need private jet or a speedboat with three 275 horse mercurys on the back to represent a big penis.  No.  If I’ve got any concerns, i can go to a doctor in California and get a penis extension.  

There are ads for them everywhere.

"Doc, I'm 60 now and i think it's about time for that big penis."

"Sure, we can fix that.  Swing on by."

So, I imagine I’ll go home that evening with this surprise package in my pants.

Kind of hang around in doorways, back to the frame, making sure it’s obvious that I’m packing, you know. There’s something big and bad in my pants.  

The problem is my wife has moved on a little. And this is rule 11 in our list.

A few years back, she would have grabbed an opportunity like that with both hands.  It would've been:  "whoah, baby, bring it on home”.

Not today.  Not now. 

Now, she looks at me, looks at the package, at me and the package again and says:

"Okay... How much did that fucking thing cost?"

I don’t want you to think i’m obsessed with the subject of sex, but in recent news out of california has absolutely got to included here tonight.

California has introduced a new law … it’s now illegal to have sex with dead people. 

I know, i know, i thought the same thing as you.  Where the hell was that rule during my last relationship?

How is Keith Richard ever gonna get laid?

And most important, who the hell was complaining? 

But now there’s, no cuddling with corpses, no dicking the dead. , there’s, no cuddling with corpses, no dicking the dead. 

I have questions. 

Was sex with dead people this really an issue? Was there was a lot of moaning and groaning about it?. And was it pain or was it pleasure? 

Are people turning over in their graves? Maybe they’re just trying another position.  

I don’t think they should take the feel-ya out of necrophilia,some people get one foot in the grave, some people get an extra 8 inches.   Where’s the damage?

You might tell me that people turning over in their graves? Maybe they’re just trying another position.

Some people get one foot in the grave, some people get an extra 8 inches.   Where’s the damage?

I don’t think they should take the feel-ya out of necrophilia. 

And where is this happening? In graveyards and cemetaries.

Here’s what really scares me.  These dead fuckers no longer have an outlet.  Driven out of California by this new law … the dead are safe - - but what about the rest of us?

They could be here, in Tasmania,.  Circling the medical school. As we speak.  We could be looking at the dawn of the dead fuckers. Right here  

So what do these guys look like?  Like you and me?  No, they look like those people in the dawn of the dead movies

I’m guessing funeral homes, you know, where they’re dressing people undressing people. 

Doing their hair, the makeup, ...  You can see how this would happen…she’s starting to look real good.

I got your embalming fluid right here, baby …

I call this the resurrection.