ON GOD

It turns out that God does not favour any particular religion. Not Anglican or Presbyterian. 

Nor any race: God is not Australian nor American nor an Englishman. 

God is not a Republican, either. Neither Asian nor Caucasian. No, in the big scheme of things, of all the ‘an’ words, it turns out God is … a comedian. 

How else do you explain an entity that would design a human being, deliberately make us funny looking and consider that to be some kind of natural contraceptive? 

If that’s not enough joking around, God gave us alcohol, which pretty much guaranteed we’d have generation after generation of funny looking people. 

I mean, look around the room here, look at the person you came with, and tell me that’s not true. 

God is pissing himself laughing, right now, about that little joke. 

I should say: pissing herself laughing. God is clearly a woman and not only that, she favours her own sex.   

The evidence is right there with Adam and Eve. Adam’s walking around, naked, going: So check this out. I’ve got one of these. 

And Eve took a look and said yeah, and I’ve got one of these. And God says that with one of these, I can get one of those anytime I like.   

I think that shows some serious favouritism. 

I know what you’re saying: But if God is female, wouldn‘t she be a Goddess? 

I can tell you this. Around our house, Goddess is a title reserved for my wife. This is a woman who agrees that it was God who created man, but given the opportunity, she would have done a whole lot better. 

And certainly, during the actual creation of mankind, there were some mistakes.

I mean: men have nipples. What they hell is that about?

During the design phase, did God look at Eve and Adam in her big sketchbook and then stand back and go: Adam looks kind of weird without nipples, so she took out a giant marker and drew them on. 

And then just couldn’t stop herself and drew on big eyebrows and then a little beard. You know how that goes … 

And then she thought I’ll put a little beard on Eve too, except I’ll put it down here. Ha. Ha. Ha. Humans will laugh about this one day, trust me, she said. 

Memo to self, she added. Invent Brazil.

To stay in the midsection for a moment, the area we think of as a fun zone, the playground or, if you’re one of those real estate people who understand local government planning regulations, it’s called a recreation area.

 Are you with me here?   

So what does God do then? Puts a toxic waste pipeline right through the middle of the recreation area. Now that’s real comedian at work. 

Anyway, so with this giant packet of markers, God made people in a multitude of different colours, men and women, gay, straight. Different styles to suit different landscapes. It’s a design thing, you know?

She even made vegetarians and vegans – and made them out of meat. How funny is that! God, the original Lady Gag Gag.

All went fairly well, I think, with this creation process until she got to the commandments, the rules for human behaviour. Which frankly, turned out to be not worth the paper they’re not written on. 

The commandments … rules written on bloody great blocks of stone. Not a moment’s thought given transportation, to distribution, sales and merchandising. 

What about duplication, God’s favourite subject?. Try humping that stone tablet up onto the Xerox. 

So, there’s one copy only, for all the human race. How did this go down with God’s creation? 

Listen everybody, we’ve got the rules now from God. They’ve got the ox stuff in there, and the coveting, the neighbours … all ten rules. Everybody should come around and check out these commandments. 

And you say: well, no, actually. I’m planning to get some alcohol into that funny looking girl next door tonight, so I’ll just wait for God’s rules to come out on blue ray. But thanks anyway.

Some people think God has had other communications with us, too, and that she’s going to send her son down here again. There’s already a movie being made about it: The title is: Christ Two, the Return. 

I don’t think this is true. I think some people may have misheard God. What she actually said, like any parent hearing thumping noises, she stood at the top of the stairs and yelled: Christ almighty! Don’t make me come down there …

So aside from reproduction and alcohol … I’m sorry, I got that the wrong way around. It’s alcohol and then reproduction, isn’t it … 

Aside from those, God gave us things to do while we’re here, some things to keep us busy. Little mysteries to figure out. 

Some personal questions, like how many Os are there in orgasm?

Questions about the order of things, such as this: before can openers, how did cats know it was dinner time?

And finally, questions about the meaning of life, like who am I, why am I here and where the hell is my atm card?