Real Lingo

My grasp of language got a bit fuzzy this week because I’ve been editing real estate stuff.

Real estate agents: salespeople so ethically challenged they can’t get jobs as lawyers, politicians or selling used cars. 

People so dumb, that… well, here’s an example from this week. The property includes a chicken coupe, spelled COUPE. 

No.  No. That’s chicken coupe, and it refers to poultry that’s been modified for racing.

They have a language all of their own. 

Close to transport means it backs up to Hazell’s truck yard in Moonah

Modern means the house was built after the second world war.

State of the art means indoor plumbing.

Read the descriptions: Cosy. Comfortable. Easy to Heat. All mean the same thing: so bloody small the doorknob gets into bed with you.

Must see inside.  Which means, for Christ’s sake, don’t look at the outside. 

And even when you think they’re telling the truth… 

Ready to move into; They’ve slapped a coat of cheap paint on the bits you can see.

The house needs a little tlc. What that really means a little tlc and a hundred grand to rebuild it.  

Ready to renovate, one of my favourites. Do not step through the front door. It is not safe.

Here’s some terms to look out for:

A media room is a single garage that’s been converted into a room without windows.

A family room is a single garage that’s been converted into a room without windows. 

A huge rumpus is a double garage that’s been badly converted into a room without windows.

Let’s go outside, shall we?

Easy care backyard.  Meaning it’s like the Gibson desert out there. And nothing grows.  Or somebody sometime poured green concrete fence to fence.  Or even more likely.  There is no backyard. You open the back door and back are the same thing.   

Easy care native garden. It’s an Aboriginal Sacred Site. Reach for a shovel and Michael Mansell will be on your doorstep.

Sunny Corner Position.  On the intersection of Lampton Avenue and 

Main Road, or any other major intersection. 

Country Living.  Too bloody far to drive to work.

Pet friendly neighbour hood.  Dog shit on your front lawn.

Country style.  Dog shit on the back lawn as well.

Here’s my personal favourite. 

A stone’s throw from the school.  Yeah, That would explain the broken windows.