Toaster

Tonight, on the program, we’re going to talk about the man who got his penis stuck in a toaster. In London.  And had to be rescued by the London Fire Brigade.

This is nothing to do with the joke I just told.  Other that that was a warmup and the toaster is about to be involved in a warmup of a kind, too.

When I read about a man getting his dick stuck in a toaster, my mind immediately asks: How? Why? Under what circumstance does a man get his penis stuck in a kitchen appliance?

A reasonable question, you’ll agree.

Now I know that London, where this happened, is a big town.  Something like 9 million people. But I also can be a lonely town, and it gets cold.  Very cold. 

So you put those two things together, and I think I can see how this dude got himself into this situation.

But, but, you have to ask yourself, where the hell was vacuum cleaner on this particular night? Huh? Vacuum is, I would have thought, far better—or can I say anatomically suited?—to the task required of it.

Where was vacuum? Just think… crank that baby up to maximum suck, and we’ve got ourselves a seriously well-designed sex toy here.  But we don’t know of vacuum’s whereabouts on the night in question.  

However, I think there’s a more fundamental reason why this guy put his dick in a toaster.  And here it is.

A horny man will fuck anything that moves.  Anything at all. Might be female, might not. Might be alive, maybe not. I mean, for our little friend here, the new PM, Liz Trussed Up, could be looking good.  But like vacuum, just not available.

So anything that moves. Or not.

When things are not going his way, he will cheerfully fuck anything that does not move. Like a toaster.

I’m sorry for those for whom this was news, but there it is, laid out.

So let’s assume he was a little desperate. And horny. And from he was standing, the toaster looked pretty damned attractive. Nobody about, cold, lonely, all you have to do is crank that baby up to I don’t know, four or five on the dial—what is that, slightly crispy?—and away you go.

I think there’s more to it than that.  I think he’d actually been to Harvey Norman in London and when that poor fuck who is working on commission only came over, he said: I am looking for a toaster. 

And the poor fuck said. Is that a two or four slot toaster, Sir?

Oh, just two. Front and um, back. 

How’s this sir? 

Do you have one with wider slots?

Yes, this range over here.

Good. Now, about colour, do you have something in a pink, say. I like pink in an appliance…

No, sir. The Germans haven’t invented it yet, although I’m sure they’re working on it.  Can I recommend black sir? 

Black?

Yes, black. Y0u know what they say sir? Once you’ve had black, you’ll never go back. 

Hmmm. He’s thinking to himself. I’m thinking to myself, this poor fuck knows way more than a commission only sales agent should know about the world.

But let’s move on. 

Earlier I said that toasters don’t move during sex. And that’s kind of true, but it’s also true with a toaster, you can go plug in in any room in the house, so that there is a good deal of mobility available to a young lad, say, needing some privacy.

Right?

And if you pick up an  extension cord, there at Harvey Norman, I think the they’re on special for nine pounds and ninety nine pence at the moment, you’ve opened the option of taking your toaster out to the garden, and communing with nature while you’re having sex. 

Now we’re talking.

great thing about a toaster is its portability.  Pretty much any room … plug it in, hold it both hands, and away you go. 

With a bit of planning and an extension cord, you can actually get off in the garden, enjoy a bit a nature at the same time.

But there is some planning involved here, isn’t there? Do you buy a toaster knowing you’ll be using it for purposes other than turning white bread into brown bread?

And here’s a question for the more intellectual among you.  Do you think that the business of putting butter on things as a form of lubrication – do you think it started not with toast, but with toasters?  Just asking.

Here’s another question. What would be your explanation to the London Fire Brigade? 

I get the fact that it was smaller when it went in, but with that gentle, all-over heat it’s now hard to get out again.  I get that, I really do.

And what happens when you call the fire brigade?  Have you tried to get yourself free, sir?  No sir, I would not suggest you slide a knife in there as well.  Here you are, trying to free willy, and instead just get yourself electrocuted?  

And how do you reach the phone if you’re still plugged in to the toaster?  You gotta think about this stuff, man! Planning! Planning!

Could you dismantle the toaster yourself?  I realize your little screwdriver set is out in the garage, which means you’re going to have to go outside, and the problem with that is…. 

That’s right.  You’re attached to a toaster.

Now that might be a bit awkward with those new neighbours next door who are already keeping a close eye on you and your place. 

Still, that would solve the question of who calls the fire brigade.

And indeed, are the fire brigade the right people to call in a situation like this?

Yes, they have some expertise in high pressure hoses, but that’s not what we’re talking about here.

Does the fire brigade have specialist tools to free penises from toasters?

Are the trained to do this kind of delicate work? Is there some kind of class at TAFE?  

Or do these guys just say screw it, bring out the oxy-acetylene torch, and … 

I ask again, are the London Fire Brigade the right people?  Is this not a hostage situation we are dealing with, people?       

Did he not know he was in trouble when he felt those little steel gates close in from the side?

How are we going to negotiate a quick release? 

And honestly, is this guy worth it?  I mean, what sort of person are we dealing with here? 
We know this guy puts it about a bit, doesn't he?   I doubt there was any romance involved in this little dalliance with the toaster. No real commitment here, not so much as dinner and a little music.

And maybe one night it’s the toaster, tomorrow…. no utensil, no piece of furniture, no tap is safe from this guy.

As for the vacuum cleaner… You’d better make sure it’s busy elsewhere. Washing its hair, maybe.